Do I have any hope of reconciling?

I have been married for almost 18 years and recently my wife left me with our two kids. I sent birthday flowers to another woman and lied to my wife about it. I, also, began viewing internet porn sites (Playboy, etc...nothing perverse or illegal) with increased frequency. She has interpreted these actions as my loss of interest and love for her and is not showing any interest in reconciling even though most of her friends and family believe we have too much to give up over this. We have both gone to counseling (separate and together) and I am trying everything to show her how much she means to me but with little effect. She is also receiving almost daily aadvice from a friend of hers who is undergoing a messy divorce/ separation which is adversely affecting her desire to reconcile.

Do I have any hope of reconciling?
Maybe there have been cracks in your marriage for a while thats why you sent flowers to another woman and she was just waiting for an excuse to leave you.
Reply:not possible if only one is willing to reconcile because only works if two people work at it not one so both have to be interested. sounds like no unless she changes her mind and in this world anything is possible for those who believe in faith and having just a mustard seed can move mountains. good luck.
Reply:if you were my guy %26amp; you sent flowers to another woman %26amp; lie as well about it %26amp; went to porn sites I dont know how bad playboy is but if its porn its porn well you would be history with me because that is all you have been caught for


I would never forgive a cheater because they are liars %26amp; i hate liars %26amp; thats why your wife wont forgive you because you cheated when you gave another woman flower's %26amp; viewing porn
Reply:lol man! you f'd up----we all do sometimes. all of the attention you can give her is suspect now and it may always be. Until she is ready to forgive you there is not a thing you can do. Don't stop trying though if you are sincere about her but I can tell you----God does things in mysterious ways---what i once thought was the end of everything for me led me into a new beginning--a new life---a better life. He may bring her back -- He may not-- he teaches forgiveness---forgive yourself first---and CHANGE DUDE! maybe she will see it--- the first thing she will need is a newfound faith in you---give her reason to believe in you.
Reply:ive seen a similar situation to this except the guy was doing drugs instead of looking at porn . he really loved his wife but she couldnt get past what he did so she moved out and moved in with her lesbian friend , needless to say the lesbian friend did everything in her power to keep them seperated . so unfortunately she never took him back and started a nasty divorce that has cost them both a fortune all because other people told her she was better than him and to "leave his ***" . now, i could see where your wife would be concerned over the flowers but after 18 years of marriage a little slip up here or there is very common so that is something that she should be able to get over . the fact that you are looking at porn shows that you are fantasizing about kinky sex acts that your wife probably doesnt want to engage in and most guys do look at porn married or not , her issue with the porn could be that she is insecure and feels that she cant compare to those girls and that you wont respect her no woman likes not feeling good enough.





wrap up : if you have already been to counseling and it isnt having an effect the marriage is probably over, unfortunately you loving her completely isnt enough it takes two to make a marriage work . give a little more effort and if she refuses to work with you instead of against you let it go and try to live out the rest of your life the best way you can.
Reply:ask her if she loves you. tell her the truth and that if you love each other enough youll make it work. Tell her that theres nothing you cant overcome if you stick together.
Reply:what a mess you are in... I want to first ask-did you cheat on her? if that answer is no, than she needs to sit down and be an adult with you. Why did you lie about the flowers to a friend? Was it because you dont sent flowers to your wife.


Porno is a problem. You need to see where she is coming from in this issue. Those playboy girls are hotties. She is probably thinking you wished your wife was one of those girls. She probably feels ugly and not very sexy.





How to fix this. Well for starters realizing it cannot be fixed over night. Women need time. though not to much time, you need to ask her if there is even hope for reconciling, because if there is not, then why waste your time. !8 years is alot so she needs to man up a bit.





My only other comment is sometimes relationships were already doomed before they doomed. Married people often forget that your love and romance is a fire, if you dont put wood(i.e. excitement, thrill) into it, the fire goes out. Most couples use excuses like I dont have time, I am tired. We must remember that in the end, all we have left is each other, so we need to also keep each other close.


Make sure that you apologize to her, in a special way, that you know will make her sparkle. Flowers are a clique. Take her to her favorite restaurant, make her her favorite meal, write her a poem. What ever it is she fancys do it and then tell her you really want to add fire back into your love life...
Reply:Well, it ain't over till it's over. You nailed the issue right on the head though. At least you have backbone to be honest about it. I cannot speak for your wife, but had my husband done that, I would end it as well. Maybe you should send her flowers everyday and ask her to go on a dates. If you really want her and not your freedom, you will have to go over the top and prove it. People make mistakes. When you know your partner is truly sorry, you may want to give it another chance. But, it would take a huge effort on your part to get your foot in the door. Flowers, letters, cards, buy her gifts, call her...but don't fight with her. If she gets angry with you, listen to her. My husband also did similar, but also no affair, and he did everything he could to prove he did not want to lose me. It worked. And I believe he will never do it again. Although there are times I still worry if he is trustworthy. But, it gets better with time. Good luck with this and keep us posted on your progress. I really hope you do win her back!
Reply:Your wife is insecure and vulnerable. She needs to be convinced of your love and support for her (which could include your absence). When she believes, she may return.
Reply:There is a couple of things you can try which will give you the opportunity, if she agrees, to start on the road to recovering your marriage as it sounds as though there is no talk of divorce yet. Which is a good sign!


1) You can call her, if she is accepting your calls and ask her to go to dinner, just to talk. Dont be too desperate and emotional when you ask her as she will look at it as a weakness in you. Give her a week to get back to you.


2) Write her a letter. Write it from the heart and list all the reason's for wanting to make it work. List all the irresponsibilities you have placed on the marriage. Include how your actions made you feel and try to recognise and understand how this made her feel and say it! You are not asking for a second chance for you but a chance to contribute to fixing your marriage together and you need her input also. You cannot do this on your own. Give her a week to respond to the dinner invitation and mention this in the letter and say you'll check in with her in a week if thats ok.


If she wants to fix the marriage, she will respond to one of the above. If she doesnt want to fix it and has really had a change of heart, she wont.


Ask her to tell the truth on how she feels. I would begin seeing another counsellor and start from the beginning of where things went wrong, and be honest!


If you get the opportunity with her again, then write everything down on paper together. List all the things that have gone wrong and how you both felt under the circumstances. And most important, listen to eachother. It's easy to hear someone, but really listening, comes from the heart. She needs to do the same.


Sometimes a good friend can act as a great mediator when you both struggle to understand eachother. Try it, if she agrees.


If she really loves you and wants to work it out, this will work.


Good luck and let us know the outcome.



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